Practicing for what?

So, as of late, I've just been overly anxious and antsy all the time. I am always wanting to practice or study or read and I want to be by myself or with select people only. When I'm at school I have my agenda and I get pretty aggravated when I don't get it done. In fact to be perfectly honest I have an agenda all the time that includes practicing. "What are you practicing for?", everyone always asks. "I don't know," always seems to be my response. Practicing to be able to play higher, faster, slower, smoother. Practicing to be able to hear and sing better, to be able to understand music better. Practicing to be a more aggressive player, practicing to be a more sensitive and musical player. Practicing so that I'll be better at playing difficult pieces and etudes. Practicing to get away from real life. Practicing to pretend that there's an ultimate goal of playing professionally. Sometimes I practice because it gives me something else to completely focus my attention on. Sometimes I drive to U of H just because I can't bear the thought of sitting in my apartment in suburbia. Practicing makes me feel like I'm doing a job that is accomplishing a task. I feel like I've checked a box after I practice for a big chunk of time. When I leave that empty music stand and can play just a smidgen better than I could before than I feel like I can go to sleep knowing I did something respectful and accomplished. I feel talented and intelligent. When I leave school I usually feel like I at least have one less day that week to get up. I feel like maybe I'm once step closer to finishing the mountain that God has placed before me. I don't usually feel like I want to tell people how great it is. I usually want to pretend I'm Kelly the musician not Kelly the band teacher. I think that's why I practice because for however long I play I get to consider myself a musician even if I admit that I'm not on a very high level. I feel like music is meant to play an important part in my life but I think that it's sheer terror for me to think that this is supposed to be what my life is supposed to look like until retirement. Practicing is the "margarita" I need to calm down and get things done. Give me a book, practice room of almost any size, a bag of music and technique books, my trumpets and a block of time and I'll eat that up. That's like giving me presents. Oh how I love to play my instrument.

This is who I was meant to be...

lol. So the title sounds so like I've figured out life. lol. yeah right. That's all God definitely not all me. But I do feel like I'm learning a ton these days about everything. And I end up frustrated a lot of the time because as fast I'm learning I don't have any time to really study or dig in cause I run around like a crazy person. But I did have a bit of an epiphany today. We had our Pre-UIL contest this morning and the kiddos played well. Unfortunately it was not well received by some people and I was feeling kinda down. So I was just frazzled and my mind was spinning like a record faster than I knew what do with. I tried to go shopping with a good friend and it wasn't helping. I just wanted to go home or practice or just wallow in my pity party. Instead I headed to a concert and that's when it hit me. By the end of the concert I was calm. Like I still wasn't happy about what happened but it reaffirmed my decision to have a career in music. There are few things in this life that get me more excited than music. They would be God, my family and my friends. There you have it. My top 4 most important things in my life: 1. God 2. Family 3. Friends 4. Learning about, playing, listening to, or teaching music.

Anybody that knows me pretty well as seen me turn into an absolute nerd talking about how amazing I think music is. Like I get so excited talking about it that people usually just smile and let me sit there and talk. I think they're just amused to see me just getting so absurdly excited about playing music. Seriously Kelly? Yep that's me :)

Sometimes I'm not sure anymore what that career in music should look like or what it's going to look like. But God is in control and I'm resting in that! He's been teaching me sooo much and I'm so excited! I know that I'm in the place I'm at in my life because there's something that I'm supposed to learn here. God is good all the time....All the time God is good!!