Late Night Thoughts

The past few nights my mind has been starting to race right around 11pm or so. I think it's because there are so few people to talk to so late and so the anxiety begins. I've been struggling alot lately with questions of purpose and the meaning of having a dream that seems absurd. There's so much passion lurking behind it which keeps up the momentum but then the anxiety and fear of inadequacy step in and ruin the progress. There's people who are encouraging, people who are kind but pretty blunt that they think my dream might be better left buried in my younger years and then people who just don't seem to know what to say so they just smile and listen. I suppose there's benefits to all three. The encouraging people refuel my passions and pull me out of giving up. The blunt people remind me that there's a reality called life in which you need a job and you need an income and that certainty and reliability is much more important than chasing after some silly dream that will probably get you nowhere. The last group are the ones who fuel the racing of my mind. They're the people who don't know how to respond and so they're kind but questioning smiles and responses make me crazy. I probe them to discourage me or encourage me and yet they do neither. They just make me question question question. They make me feel like I don't make any sense. They make me feel like my ideas are stupid and yet they just can't bring themselves to tell me that for fear it would shred me. So instead, they just leave the uncertainty hanging for near eternity. And there's one person in particular who has me really stumped. They are encouraging in their own way and sometimes I feel like they really believe in me...they know my hidden agenda and they're lined up ready to help me get there. But then their passive comments just make me crumble. And so I question them and prod them to just crush my fragile dream because then maybe I could just move onto something else and just forget about it all. But alas there is just enough encouragement to keep me moving like a carrot dangled in front of a horse. I keep thinking that maybe....just maybe I can do this and so I just keep moving forward toward it...foolishly I think.