Practicing for what?

So, as of late, I've just been overly anxious and antsy all the time. I am always wanting to practice or study or read and I want to be by myself or with select people only. When I'm at school I have my agenda and I get pretty aggravated when I don't get it done. In fact to be perfectly honest I have an agenda all the time that includes practicing. "What are you practicing for?", everyone always asks. "I don't know," always seems to be my response. Practicing to be able to play higher, faster, slower, smoother. Practicing to be able to hear and sing better, to be able to understand music better. Practicing to be a more aggressive player, practicing to be a more sensitive and musical player. Practicing so that I'll be better at playing difficult pieces and etudes. Practicing to get away from real life. Practicing to pretend that there's an ultimate goal of playing professionally. Sometimes I practice because it gives me something else to completely focus my attention on. Sometimes I drive to U of H just because I can't bear the thought of sitting in my apartment in suburbia. Practicing makes me feel like I'm doing a job that is accomplishing a task. I feel like I've checked a box after I practice for a big chunk of time. When I leave that empty music stand and can play just a smidgen better than I could before than I feel like I can go to sleep knowing I did something respectful and accomplished. I feel talented and intelligent. When I leave school I usually feel like I at least have one less day that week to get up. I feel like maybe I'm once step closer to finishing the mountain that God has placed before me. I don't usually feel like I want to tell people how great it is. I usually want to pretend I'm Kelly the musician not Kelly the band teacher. I think that's why I practice because for however long I play I get to consider myself a musician even if I admit that I'm not on a very high level. I feel like music is meant to play an important part in my life but I think that it's sheer terror for me to think that this is supposed to be what my life is supposed to look like until retirement. Practicing is the "margarita" I need to calm down and get things done. Give me a book, practice room of almost any size, a bag of music and technique books, my trumpets and a block of time and I'll eat that up. That's like giving me presents. Oh how I love to play my instrument.