Practicing for what?

So, as of late, I've just been overly anxious and antsy all the time. I am always wanting to practice or study or read and I want to be by myself or with select people only. When I'm at school I have my agenda and I get pretty aggravated when I don't get it done. In fact to be perfectly honest I have an agenda all the time that includes practicing. "What are you practicing for?", everyone always asks. "I don't know," always seems to be my response. Practicing to be able to play higher, faster, slower, smoother. Practicing to be able to hear and sing better, to be able to understand music better. Practicing to be a more aggressive player, practicing to be a more sensitive and musical player. Practicing so that I'll be better at playing difficult pieces and etudes. Practicing to get away from real life. Practicing to pretend that there's an ultimate goal of playing professionally. Sometimes I practice because it gives me something else to completely focus my attention on. Sometimes I drive to U of H just because I can't bear the thought of sitting in my apartment in suburbia. Practicing makes me feel like I'm doing a job that is accomplishing a task. I feel like I've checked a box after I practice for a big chunk of time. When I leave that empty music stand and can play just a smidgen better than I could before than I feel like I can go to sleep knowing I did something respectful and accomplished. I feel talented and intelligent. When I leave school I usually feel like I at least have one less day that week to get up. I feel like maybe I'm once step closer to finishing the mountain that God has placed before me. I don't usually feel like I want to tell people how great it is. I usually want to pretend I'm Kelly the musician not Kelly the band teacher. I think that's why I practice because for however long I play I get to consider myself a musician even if I admit that I'm not on a very high level. I feel like music is meant to play an important part in my life but I think that it's sheer terror for me to think that this is supposed to be what my life is supposed to look like until retirement. Practicing is the "margarita" I need to calm down and get things done. Give me a book, practice room of almost any size, a bag of music and technique books, my trumpets and a block of time and I'll eat that up. That's like giving me presents. Oh how I love to play my instrument.

This is who I was meant to be...

lol. So the title sounds so like I've figured out life. lol. yeah right. That's all God definitely not all me. But I do feel like I'm learning a ton these days about everything. And I end up frustrated a lot of the time because as fast I'm learning I don't have any time to really study or dig in cause I run around like a crazy person. But I did have a bit of an epiphany today. We had our Pre-UIL contest this morning and the kiddos played well. Unfortunately it was not well received by some people and I was feeling kinda down. So I was just frazzled and my mind was spinning like a record faster than I knew what do with. I tried to go shopping with a good friend and it wasn't helping. I just wanted to go home or practice or just wallow in my pity party. Instead I headed to a concert and that's when it hit me. By the end of the concert I was calm. Like I still wasn't happy about what happened but it reaffirmed my decision to have a career in music. There are few things in this life that get me more excited than music. They would be God, my family and my friends. There you have it. My top 4 most important things in my life: 1. God 2. Family 3. Friends 4. Learning about, playing, listening to, or teaching music.

Anybody that knows me pretty well as seen me turn into an absolute nerd talking about how amazing I think music is. Like I get so excited talking about it that people usually just smile and let me sit there and talk. I think they're just amused to see me just getting so absurdly excited about playing music. Seriously Kelly? Yep that's me :)

Sometimes I'm not sure anymore what that career in music should look like or what it's going to look like. But God is in control and I'm resting in that! He's been teaching me sooo much and I'm so excited! I know that I'm in the place I'm at in my life because there's something that I'm supposed to learn here. God is good all the time....All the time God is good!!

They Don't Have White Christmases in Houston...or do they?

lol. So we sure did have snow on Wednesday night here in Houston. I was so excited that even though I was excited after our school Christmas party I drove to the south side of town to buy my mom's Christmas present at Borders. So fun to drive in the chilly weather with the heat firing out in my car and listening to KSBJ Christmas music blasting from my car stereo. So of course I stayed up way too late and then got up way too early and went to school and the Beth Moore Christmas program thing at the Berry Center with Abi and Julianne from school. It was good times...Beth Moore is an awesome speaker. Friday I was so freakin' tired and still had to drive down to Stratford HS to judge HS Region Band. It was like the last thing in the world I wanted to do but I did my best judging the first round of French Horns. Then I went home and stayed up until book fell over while I was reading. Got up around 7:30 and left my place around 8:30 to go judge some more. It was a long day of judging. So I judged a total of four times this week. Flute Phase 1 on Monday night (somebody kill me before I do something like that again), Alto Sax Phase 2 and Tenor Sax Saturday morning and early afternoon. And last but not least I had the tragic experience of judging Freshman trumpets Saturday late afternoon. Bless their heart, those trumpets tried I think but they were a bit on the rough side. On a better note, Matthew, a private student of mine from last year at Watkins made Freshman Region. I was super excited to hear that even though he did admit to being the worst player of the chromatic scale. Silly child. After that I headed on over to the Ignite Christmas party which was and entertaining and then finally home to my bed where I'm sitting right now. Yay for laptops and clean sheets :)

Things I've learned this week:

~If you ask God to help you have a better attitude and you let him take your's over for you and change it life is better.

~Sometimes people are mean and it sucks. Deal with it...it's life.

~Kids are going to be irresponsible but it's my job to try and change that in them. <--Still trying to figure out how to teach them to be responsible.

~God is good all the time....All the time God is good.

~God loves me even when I'm just an awful human being and I just can't do it anymore. He does it for me then :)

~Sometimes no matter how much you practice something middle school flutes will still get nervous (and CONFUSED) and not play their soli in Atlantis.

~God hasn't given me a guy in my life because I don't know what I want right now and I wouldn't know what to do with that situation. <--Not a safe statement though because sometimes God throws your life into a tailspin so that you'll trust Him because you can't figure it all out on your own.

~I LOVE playing my instrument and I'm DETERMINED to learn to play it at a ridiculously high level.

~I really love Houston and don't want to leave here just yet :)

~I have got to learn how to manage my time and my personal life better because I'm running around so crazy busy that I don't even have time to pick up anything that's been on the floor for many days.

and last but not least....JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!!

Chillaxin' in California

Okay, so I'm about a month and a half late giving an update on my trip to California but better late than never, right? Thanks to Hurricane Ike, I actually have a chance to update my blog. So let's travel back in time to July 8. After my amazing time in Evanston, IL at Northwestern University I headed home to Davidsville, PA to hang out with my awesome family for about 2 1/2 weeks. We ate, we went to Idlewild (a really awesome little amusement park in western PA), and enjoyed each other's company. I love visiting my family in the summer but it's always makes me feel sad that I'm not with them all the time. Anywho, so I flew to San Jose, CA on July 8 and of course my flights got delayed etc. and then nobody would pick me up at the airport lol. So I had this interesting minivan cab driving take me to the hotel. I ended up sleeping with a stranger that I spoke to for about 2 minutes for the first night lol. She turned out to be a very nice girl. But then the fun stuff started. So I got up the next morning and there was nothing to do but practice so practice I did for a few hours in a conference room. See the institute/festival was housed on the campus of this ridiculously expensive private high school called the Menlo School. So we had some pretty cool classrooms to practice in including the french classroom and some random math and spanish rooms. The first day I met the coolest people that I would spend the most time with. Dan, a Canadian tuba player, became my hangout buddy for a good portion of the trip. And Anna, a sweet french horn player, was my roommate at the hotel. We got a pretty amazing deal for the festival. She and I shared a king size bed and didn't have to share the room with anyone else :) We were pretty excited. Highlights of the trip:

~San Francisco Symphony concert with Chevy's Mexican prior to it with Dan and Anna

~trumpet lesson with Chris Martin, principal trumpet of Chicago Symphony Orchestra

~going to see "Dark Night" with some of the fellow friends towards the end of the trip

~talking to anyone who would listen about my dream of grad school for performance

~hearing Chris Martin play

~the amazing chocolate chip cookies in the dining hall

~going to the arts festival with Anna on Saturday, eating lots of lemonade and ice cream and then getting microwaveable quiche from Trader Joe's

~meeting and performing with some incredibly talented brass players

~being coached by Donna Parkes, currently principal trombone with the Louisville Symphony Orchestra because she was direct and helpful and just made me love playing in a brass quintet

~my brass quintet playing "Dance" and just loving every minute of it

~going for mexican down the road and having the best margarita I've had in a long time.

~laying on the fake grass at Menlo School and sunbathing

~learning more about how to be a better musician

~committing myself to practicing my tail off even when i had rehearsals all day long

If you want to know more just ask!!!!!

Confidence is Key

About three weeks ago I went to a masterclass at Northwestern University given by two of the best trumpet teachers probably in the world. Barbara Butler and Charlie Geyer, who are actually married (I think she wants to keep her identity and not change her name because she's so successful), have taught many of the country's finest and most successful trumpet players. 3 out of the 4 trumpet players in the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, 1 or 2 in the New York Philharmonic, the woman who just one the job at the Charleston Symphony and the gentleman who just one the job in the President's Own Marine Band are all their students. They told us this during the first day or two so they're not shy about their teaching success either ;)



First off, my friend Nicole, who I actually met my first year in TX, has since moved to Evanston to teach. So I called Nicole a few months ago and asked if I could possibly stay with her to save some money. Being the sweet girl she is she welcomed me in with open arms and told me that she actually lived within walking distance of the university and so I didn't need to rent a car or anything! I flew in on Saturday, June 14 to spend some time with her prior to the class that started on Monday. She picked me up in her Mustang convertible from Midway airport and we drove to her apartment in Evanston to drop off my ridiculously large amount of luggage. Not only did she let me crash at her apartment but I got my own room and everything! I'm so blessed! She got a call from her friend who invited us to a BBQ.
After the BBQ in the suburbs we headed to downtown to attend a party where we met up with Nicole's roommate Anna. We stayed for a little while and Nicole asked if I'd like to go out in downtown :) So we headed to Nicole's favorite piano bar called "Howl at the Moon." So much fun! It's definitely the season for bachelorette parties and this place was definitely a hot spot for them! We were walking back through what appeared to be a pretty desolate area of Chicago at 2am when we happened upon a 24 hour Rock 'n Roll McDonald's! How cool is that? So after getting a picture of me in front of the neon yellow arches we did what anyone would do...walked in and ate some french fries in the lounge upstairs :) When we finally got home around 3am or so, we headed to bed so that we could be rested for Sunday's adventures.

Sunday morning I tried to get my butt out of bed around 10 but I think it was actually closer to 11. Nicole suggested that we go to this awesome little place for brunch called Ann-Sathers. We of course got way too much food and stuffed ourselves silly with homemade cinnamon rolls, omelettes, biscuits and sausage gravy and hashbrowns I think? We then headed on down to Michigan Ave. including a stop at this cool poster store by the Symphony Center and peering sadly into the windows of the Symphony Store. We even walked into the Symphony Center to see if we could somehow get in but of course the answer was no. I went totally tourist taking pictures of the honorary "George Solti Place" sign and getting pictures in front of the Art Institute of Chicago. We headed in there next so that Nicole could take me on what I believe was my first visit to an art museum. I definitely love Monet and wanted to buy some prints in the store!

We next made the trek to Nicole's church which was being housed in the Athletic complex of the Moody Bible Institute. The service was nice but a little hard to hear because we were in such a boomy gym. We headed back up to Evanston after church and stopped at a great little Thai place called "Cozy Noodle and Rice" which was very cute and cozy for sure. We spent the rest of the night just hanging out and getting ready for the morning.

Well I'd be lying if I didn't admit how nervous I was getting up the first day and also feeling a little foolish because I was only auditing the class. I just couldn't get the audition tape together to send by May 1 and so I decided that I'd be better off just watching them teach the participants than not going at all. I am thankful beyond words that I decided to go because I learned so much by just watching and listening to their expertise. Nicole decided to drive me the first morning so I wouldn't get lost or be late. The entire first day was the participants playing solo rep with piano and Barbara or Charlie basically critiquing everything thing they did. I remember initially think that they were awfully critical and harsh. The truth is that they're just focused and they get the job done. They give credit where credit is due but they don't give lots of fluffy compliments to make you feel good. There isn't time for that and so they give their students what they really need which is good information and ways to get things done well.

By far some of the best stuff that I gained from the class were simple quotable statements that are just good life lessons.

~ When you can do something make it maintenance; work on what's hard for you.

~Everyone has two personalities: Doer and teacher. You need to know who to let into the room when you're practicing and who to let in when you're performing.

~Who do you play for? The audience! Playing for yourself is selfish!

~It's not your teacher's job to teach you everything. It's up to you.

~Play for the Grama in the audience.

~If you're judging yourself while you perform than you won't make it.

~NOBODY IS PERFECT

~You have to be comfortable with who you are.

~Think of adrenaline as extra strength; not a hindrance.

~You have to practice performing and NOT STOP

~Assume you can be better! Aim for exceptional.

~If you can't do something than your goal is too big. Make it smaller.

~Yes there is natural talent but you have to work. It doesn't matter who gets it the fastest. You're equal if you both get it.

~Your attitude cannot be angry when you're practicing.

~If you want to improve something than listen to someone else do it very well.

~No method is perfect for everybody. Figure out what you need and do it.

~We are defined by when we quit. YOU CAN NEVER QUIT

~ Step out and take risks.

~In performance there is no time to worry about what happened before. You have to keep pushing forward.

I won't go day by day what I learned and what I did cause that would be tedious to write and read! But I will definitely say that I learned so much about myself that week in Evanston. It reaffirmed that playing is something that I dearly love and brings me unexplainable joy. I was told by Charlie Geyer that I had a beautiful sound which had me pretty excited for quite a while. It made me realize that I can't stop trying; that I can't stop reaching. I would rather never play my instrument really well than to give up the fight to be great. I learned that confidence and persistence are the key to doing anything really well. And most of all I think I learned that you can't let people dictate your success or whether you can achieve your goals. You really do have to just plow on through brushing off comments that people say to pull you down. God is teaching me so much and I realize that I just have to open my ears and my heart to hear what He's saying to me.

Late Night Thoughts

The past few nights my mind has been starting to race right around 11pm or so. I think it's because there are so few people to talk to so late and so the anxiety begins. I've been struggling alot lately with questions of purpose and the meaning of having a dream that seems absurd. There's so much passion lurking behind it which keeps up the momentum but then the anxiety and fear of inadequacy step in and ruin the progress. There's people who are encouraging, people who are kind but pretty blunt that they think my dream might be better left buried in my younger years and then people who just don't seem to know what to say so they just smile and listen. I suppose there's benefits to all three. The encouraging people refuel my passions and pull me out of giving up. The blunt people remind me that there's a reality called life in which you need a job and you need an income and that certainty and reliability is much more important than chasing after some silly dream that will probably get you nowhere. The last group are the ones who fuel the racing of my mind. They're the people who don't know how to respond and so they're kind but questioning smiles and responses make me crazy. I probe them to discourage me or encourage me and yet they do neither. They just make me question question question. They make me feel like I don't make any sense. They make me feel like my ideas are stupid and yet they just can't bring themselves to tell me that for fear it would shred me. So instead, they just leave the uncertainty hanging for near eternity. And there's one person in particular who has me really stumped. They are encouraging in their own way and sometimes I feel like they really believe in me...they know my hidden agenda and they're lined up ready to help me get there. But then their passive comments just make me crumble. And so I question them and prod them to just crush my fragile dream because then maybe I could just move onto something else and just forget about it all. But alas there is just enough encouragement to keep me moving like a carrot dangled in front of a horse. I keep thinking that maybe....just maybe I can do this and so I just keep moving forward toward it...foolishly I think.